When I was a child, we didn't have a fireplace for Santa to deliver presents so he had to leave them on the front porch. When Santa knocked on the door I would be the one to open the door. This year, I was about 4 or 5 years old, I had a brilliant idea! Instead of listening for the knock on the front door, I would listen for the creak of the front porch floor boards.
As my sister and I sat and played checkers, I was listening for Santa, and sure enough, I heard the creak of the floor boards! I jumped up and was running to the front door when my sister yells out, "Santa Claus better move his ASS, or Randy's gonna catch him!"
I threw the door open and sure enough, all the presents were there in front of the door on the porch, only this time, the front porch swing was rocking back and forth! I was SO EXCITED! Not only did I almost catch Santa, but I had physical PROOF that he was real! (Later, I find out my brother had leapt from the porch catching his foot on the swing causing him to land face down in the snow!)
My sister comes up behind me with my jacket and says, "Let's go outside, look up in the sky and see if we can spot Santa and his reindeer!". So outside we were in this star-filled night, clear skies, a light snow on the ground, baby brother (me) looking excitedly in the sky, and big sister down on one knee with her arm around my shoulder looking up into the sky with me. A TRUE Hallmark moment in my life if there ever was one!
Just then, Louise (our Mama) ran out onto the front porch with her shotgun and fired, "BOOM! BOOM!" and screamed, "You fat son-of-a-bitch! I told you to stay off my god-damned roof!"
I start screaming, "No Mommy! Don't shoot Santa Claus!"
My sister yells, "Mama! What the hell are you doing?"
Neighbors come outside to find out what had happened asking, "Louise! What's wrong!"
Mama says, "Aww Hell! It's time he quit believing in that Santa Claus BULLSHIT! I'm the one who buys all the god-damned presents in THIS house!"
No more dreaming, or fantasies, or make believe in my Mama's house! By God, she made SURE of that!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Where I Am Today - Wanting Something ELSE!
People have been asking me how I am since I moved to Nashville. Here is the only answer I can come up with: I am doing the best that I can. Sometimes it is just a day to day survival, and sometimes it is minute by minute. I had moved here to Nashville to what I thought would be a chance to regroup, recover, reassess, and reimagine my future. But it is more stressful here than it was in Birmingham! Great! From the frying pan into the fire.
What was so stressful about Birmingham? My lover, Darrell Fitzgerald (who calls himself a Rev....HA!), of 7 years left me for a member of the Board of Directors at our church Covenant Community Church Birmingham. That backstabbers name, Clif "Sissy" Davenport, (yes, he prefers to be called Sissy) left his lover of 14yrs. Darrell and Clif broke up with the two of us on the SAME DAY! Of course Clif had been trying to get in Darrell's pants since the first weekend we attended church. (Some church, huh? Well, let's just say it's the leadership!) Clif even tried to get Darrell to convince me to get a 3-way going. I mean really?!?
And WHO was the pastor of this unethical church staff? My best friend of 14 years, J.R. Finney,II. What did J.R. do? Abso-Fuckin-lutely NOTHING! EXCEPT tell ME that if I didn't quit telling people what happened (since when is the truth wrong?) that he would have to ask me to leave the church. NOT the lying staff-clergy who commited adultery, or his home-wrecking Board of Directors Slut! I was devasted! (and several other emotions including RAGE that J.R. and his fake-healers tried to "heal" me of, but which EVERY psychologist and counselor I have seen told me I have EVERY RIGHT to feel) I had to draw a line in the sand with J.R., as there are some things that I refuse to back down on when it comes to my religious convictions. I believe in forgiveness, but refuse to allow leaders to have two sets of rules. Two for themselves and only one for the rest of us. I am sincerely apologetic that my 'line in the sand defense' included throwing away an entire congregation of people. But after the pastor of the church forces me out of HIS church (obviously not a Christ centered church, but rather a pastor centered church) and nothing is done to my ex or board member, it looked like I had done something and people started being cruel, not to my face of course, but to my back. It got back to me what was being said. But as one counselor asked, "Randy, why do you WANT these people as friends? They're hypocrites, liars, and backstabbers and you are better off without them!" Why did I want them? I loved them....once!
Losing JR as my best friend hurt worse than Darrell and Clif's betrayal and I am still in pain over it. It rocked my faith for a while, and I still refuse to ever trust another person claiming to be a preacher. Too many wolves! It did force me to see that no person or objectified person should ever be placed on a pedestal. Pedestals fall, and I should only look to God for my strength, comfort, and friendship. My faith has actually come out stronger because of it. Not at JR's or anyone else's hand, but rather by a loving Creator who literally DID come after me like a lost sheep.
I love and miss my first husband, Chip, who died in 1996. I want to see him again in Heaven, where I know with an assuredness as strong as my faith in God's love, Chip will be there! He will ride up to me on his horse, long blond hair shining from the Light of God on His Throne, Chip's blue eyes reflecting the sky of that Unclouded Day, and shirtless and barefoot as he said he always was as a child on his father's horses (and now, his Father's horses!). Too see my Chippie, I know it is imperative to forgive all three of them. I am still struggling with letting that pain and anger go.
My health deteriorated quickly after the suicide attempt, losing my job and after the foreclosure on my home, and I have had to move in with my sister. I haven't been able to work since Nov 2010. I refused (or was too proud) to let people know I was sick and needed help. I figured I was either gonna lay on my couch and die or tell my family what was going on. My sister responded with, "git yer ass up here!" I thought it was going to be different here, but it's still the same old things that drove me away from family (and kept me away). We put the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!!! And now, she is losing HER house to foreclosure and we will have to find a new place to live. Add to that mix my nephew's two sons (11 and 9yr olds) who will be moving in with us because he can't take care of them and....well you get the picture! Cody is ok, but the youngest, TYLER? He couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. If it isn't nailed down, he steals it. He is a bully to the kids at school, forcing several parents to write letters to the school in complaint, and he can't read or do math. And his mouth! The kid will NOT shut up! And he is always in trouble for this at school.
I am trying for disability, but that doesn't look to happen anytime in the near future. I do like the new Care Facility I go to. I may like my new doctor, or "fellow", but I ain't too sure yet. I like Nashville Cares very much but can't get to them as often as I like. I cannot talk to anyone or my sister goes into "over protection" mode. I'm just dealing with it until I can get disability started and then I am looking for a roommate and getting outta here! I didn't have high blood pressure until I moved here and now it's high everytime I go to the doctor. Stress is slowly undoing all the good work my physicians and counselors are trying to do. I am just resigned to the fact that right now, it doesn't look like I will ever lead my own life again or be happy.
That's where I am tonight. Unhappy, hopeless, and wondering "why the fuck didn't the suicide work?" I don't want to be like this, but it looks like cutting ties completely with my family will be the only way I can survive. That's a sad thing to say!
What was so stressful about Birmingham? My lover, Darrell Fitzgerald (who calls himself a Rev....HA!), of 7 years left me for a member of the Board of Directors at our church Covenant Community Church Birmingham. That backstabbers name, Clif "Sissy" Davenport, (yes, he prefers to be called Sissy) left his lover of 14yrs. Darrell and Clif broke up with the two of us on the SAME DAY! Of course Clif had been trying to get in Darrell's pants since the first weekend we attended church. (Some church, huh? Well, let's just say it's the leadership!) Clif even tried to get Darrell to convince me to get a 3-way going. I mean really?!?
And WHO was the pastor of this unethical church staff? My best friend of 14 years, J.R. Finney,II. What did J.R. do? Abso-Fuckin-lutely NOTHING! EXCEPT tell ME that if I didn't quit telling people what happened (since when is the truth wrong?) that he would have to ask me to leave the church. NOT the lying staff-clergy who commited adultery, or his home-wrecking Board of Directors Slut! I was devasted! (and several other emotions including RAGE that J.R. and his fake-healers tried to "heal" me of, but which EVERY psychologist and counselor I have seen told me I have EVERY RIGHT to feel) I had to draw a line in the sand with J.R., as there are some things that I refuse to back down on when it comes to my religious convictions. I believe in forgiveness, but refuse to allow leaders to have two sets of rules. Two for themselves and only one for the rest of us. I am sincerely apologetic that my 'line in the sand defense' included throwing away an entire congregation of people. But after the pastor of the church forces me out of HIS church (obviously not a Christ centered church, but rather a pastor centered church) and nothing is done to my ex or board member, it looked like I had done something and people started being cruel, not to my face of course, but to my back. It got back to me what was being said. But as one counselor asked, "Randy, why do you WANT these people as friends? They're hypocrites, liars, and backstabbers and you are better off without them!" Why did I want them? I loved them....once!
Losing JR as my best friend hurt worse than Darrell and Clif's betrayal and I am still in pain over it. It rocked my faith for a while, and I still refuse to ever trust another person claiming to be a preacher. Too many wolves! It did force me to see that no person or objectified person should ever be placed on a pedestal. Pedestals fall, and I should only look to God for my strength, comfort, and friendship. My faith has actually come out stronger because of it. Not at JR's or anyone else's hand, but rather by a loving Creator who literally DID come after me like a lost sheep.
I love and miss my first husband, Chip, who died in 1996. I want to see him again in Heaven, where I know with an assuredness as strong as my faith in God's love, Chip will be there! He will ride up to me on his horse, long blond hair shining from the Light of God on His Throne, Chip's blue eyes reflecting the sky of that Unclouded Day, and shirtless and barefoot as he said he always was as a child on his father's horses (and now, his Father's horses!). Too see my Chippie, I know it is imperative to forgive all three of them. I am still struggling with letting that pain and anger go.
My health deteriorated quickly after the suicide attempt, losing my job and after the foreclosure on my home, and I have had to move in with my sister. I haven't been able to work since Nov 2010. I refused (or was too proud) to let people know I was sick and needed help. I figured I was either gonna lay on my couch and die or tell my family what was going on. My sister responded with, "git yer ass up here!" I thought it was going to be different here, but it's still the same old things that drove me away from family (and kept me away). We put the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional!!! And now, she is losing HER house to foreclosure and we will have to find a new place to live. Add to that mix my nephew's two sons (11 and 9yr olds) who will be moving in with us because he can't take care of them and....well you get the picture! Cody is ok, but the youngest, TYLER? He couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. If it isn't nailed down, he steals it. He is a bully to the kids at school, forcing several parents to write letters to the school in complaint, and he can't read or do math. And his mouth! The kid will NOT shut up! And he is always in trouble for this at school.
I am trying for disability, but that doesn't look to happen anytime in the near future. I do like the new Care Facility I go to. I may like my new doctor, or "fellow", but I ain't too sure yet. I like Nashville Cares very much but can't get to them as often as I like. I cannot talk to anyone or my sister goes into "over protection" mode. I'm just dealing with it until I can get disability started and then I am looking for a roommate and getting outta here! I didn't have high blood pressure until I moved here and now it's high everytime I go to the doctor. Stress is slowly undoing all the good work my physicians and counselors are trying to do. I am just resigned to the fact that right now, it doesn't look like I will ever lead my own life again or be happy.
That's where I am tonight. Unhappy, hopeless, and wondering "why the fuck didn't the suicide work?" I don't want to be like this, but it looks like cutting ties completely with my family will be the only way I can survive. That's a sad thing to say!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A Little Bit About Me
Have you ever taken one of those online personality profile tests and wondered, when reading the result, “who is this they are talking about?” I’ve never really been one to delve too much into my personal psyche, preferring to be the laid-back, roll-with-the-punches, float-along-on-life’s-current -and-see-where-it-takes-me kind of guy. I’ve been accused of not being able to make up my mind, when in reality I either didn’t want to upset the other person by possibly making a choice contrary to theirs or it could’ve simply been because it really didn’t matter to me what we did as long as I got to be with the other person. I know this habit drives some people crazy, but it’s not indecisiveness on my part, but rather a desire to be pleasant company, or an agreeable companion. On my own, left to my own devices, I know exactly what I want to do and I go do it. And yes, I can go out to eat by myself or to a movie alone and be content and happy. I love going to bookstores and reading for hours and that’s not really a group activity, is it?
I do tend to be someone who “lives in their head” a lot. Staring into space, someone may ask me, “so what ‘cha thinking about?” and I’ll really have to think of a response! I think like an artist, or rather, see the world around me as an artist would. While most people see life’s straight lines and can only see in black and white or shades of gray, I tend to see multi-dimensionally and with colors not found in the natural world around me. I dream not only in bright color, but in taste, and smell, and touch, and there is so much music at times, almost like a movie soundtrack playing subtly in the background. In fact, that’s how I’ve come too see God in my dreams, as a painter who can paint a mural on a wall and once you look closely, you can see the minute details and see that there is dimension and movement to the painting that you can only see if you sit and stare at it long enough. So asking me, “what ‘cha thinking about,” can be a loaded question. Sometimes it’s just easier for me to answer, “aww, nothin’!”
I like to think I have artistic ability, but usually what I see in my head looks nothing like what comes out on paper or canvas, so I get discouraged. This drives my sister crazy who is always after me to “Paint! Paint! Paint!” I figure if God gave me the ability, He should have also given me the desire. I spend my time thinking of the all the art I would like to do and how it’s going to look than actually picking up a brush and doing it. In my mind there is a gallery no one will ever see. At times I am content with just God and me seeing it, and at other times I wish I could get it out of my head and onto canvas. I have actually had a portfolio that I destroyed when I went through one of my “it’s not good enough for anyone else to see” moods.
I went through an extremely trying and difficult time in my life and experienced emotions that I never thought I would have to deal with. I was in love, deeply, with someone and now we are not speaking. We were married for 7 years and I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life. Then one day, he told me he didn’t love me and hadn’t for over three years, and lots more that I realize now were just said to get out of our relationship so he could be with another person. It’s been over two years now and I can truly say that no one has ever hurt me as much as this person. The struggle to forgive and move on is still one that I am fighting; moving on being much easier than forgiving.
Whether planning a future event, planning a date with someone new, or planning life in general, I usually start out in a very organized way. Though not happening often, when plans change, I’m usually okay with it. I am dependable and reliable to get a job done, in an organized way, but I’m not a slave to the plan. If it’s too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage, then I might go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday may find me back in the garage, but for now the plan isn’t the most important thing. LIFE is the important thing. I have an interesting combination of qualities (maybe it’s because of my Gemini sign); organized yet casual, solid yet compliant, dependable yet informal, flexible yet focused. At home and at work, people can depend on me and many people tell me they think of me as disciplined and responsible, but I do have somewhat of a free spirit within me, and if this spirit moves me, then off I go! I am very proud of my work ethic and accomplishments, but I also enjoy being able to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.
If you are Marine-like in your life approach, a neat freak, duty-bound and driven, then to you I might seem uncommitted; I prefer to see it as letting life’s circumstances sway me to move in a direction that some might not understand or be comfortable with. I will flirt with impulses and may give in on a Saturday, for instance, but I’m not someone who will blow off an entire work week to “follow my bliss.” I am very proud of my accomplishments in my work and I always get the job done, but I’ve also had the joy of letting my hair blow back as I ran with the wind. I feel lucky that somehow I am able to enjoy the best of both worlds. I like to say to anyone who’s coming over to the house to visit, “it’s clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy!” I know when to buckle down to get the job done, but I also know when to grab a kite and head for a meadow!
Some days I want to be by myself, not answer the phone, and make the world go away. The next day I will email everyone, schedule lunch with a friend, or try to find an evening gathering to take part in. It may be the phases of the moon (that darn Gemini trait), or something I ate. Some days I’m comfortable alone, and some days I can’t stand it that the house is empty or the phone doesn’t ring. I’m generally a very private person. I would much rather have a number of good friends that I enjoy spending time with, but find that I tend to not be terribly out-going so meeting people is difficult. Once I get to know someone, I will open up and share. I guess you could say prefer “quality” over “quantity”. When it comes to my social life, I am more comfortable with deeper, well nurtured friendships than having an “A-lister’s” social calendar.
I don’t like the spotlight; that really isn’t my style. This isn’t to say that I don’t like being around people, or that I’m not good in social situations. In fact, I need the companionships of people; I just prefer quiet conversations with a friend or a small group than a new party to go to every weekend. My social encounters balance out that side of me that likes to be alone where I can think and reflect. I feel that my life has a better rhythm when I have just the right amount of quiet time to deliberate on my own so that I feel refreshed for my next encounter with friends and colleagues.
My private nature sometimes comes across as arrogance to some, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I’m like my father in that respect I guess, as he was always quiet (or just couldn’t get in a word around my mother?). I once had a friend tell me, “I don’t think your father likes me.” Of course that wasn’t the case at all, he was just to shy to say anything or afraid to say the wrong thing. Because I am like that as well, some people think I am holding back, or I don’t get invited out because they think I can’t keep up my end of the social banter or am unwilling to share. Others might guess, correctly, that there’s more to me than meets the eye and that there’s a wealth in me to tap into. Once people open up to me, and I them, they realize that I am someone who values depth and substance over flash and casualness. “An ounce of pretentiousness is worth a pound of manure,” unfortunately describes a lot of the people one tends to meet out and about. I know that is a stereo-type that doesn’t describe most, but where do you hang out? I want to meet you! Once you get to know me, you’ll realize that when I do choose to contribute it’s because I speak from a deep well of contemplation and reflection, and that sometimes I would just rather sit and listen than open up. I can be a very good friend!
Well, you’ve read this far, why don’t we start out being friends? Now that you know a little bit about me, why not say hello and tell me about yourself?
Randy
I do tend to be someone who “lives in their head” a lot. Staring into space, someone may ask me, “so what ‘cha thinking about?” and I’ll really have to think of a response! I think like an artist, or rather, see the world around me as an artist would. While most people see life’s straight lines and can only see in black and white or shades of gray, I tend to see multi-dimensionally and with colors not found in the natural world around me. I dream not only in bright color, but in taste, and smell, and touch, and there is so much music at times, almost like a movie soundtrack playing subtly in the background. In fact, that’s how I’ve come too see God in my dreams, as a painter who can paint a mural on a wall and once you look closely, you can see the minute details and see that there is dimension and movement to the painting that you can only see if you sit and stare at it long enough. So asking me, “what ‘cha thinking about,” can be a loaded question. Sometimes it’s just easier for me to answer, “aww, nothin’!”
I like to think I have artistic ability, but usually what I see in my head looks nothing like what comes out on paper or canvas, so I get discouraged. This drives my sister crazy who is always after me to “Paint! Paint! Paint!” I figure if God gave me the ability, He should have also given me the desire. I spend my time thinking of the all the art I would like to do and how it’s going to look than actually picking up a brush and doing it. In my mind there is a gallery no one will ever see. At times I am content with just God and me seeing it, and at other times I wish I could get it out of my head and onto canvas. I have actually had a portfolio that I destroyed when I went through one of my “it’s not good enough for anyone else to see” moods.
I went through an extremely trying and difficult time in my life and experienced emotions that I never thought I would have to deal with. I was in love, deeply, with someone and now we are not speaking. We were married for 7 years and I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life. Then one day, he told me he didn’t love me and hadn’t for over three years, and lots more that I realize now were just said to get out of our relationship so he could be with another person. It’s been over two years now and I can truly say that no one has ever hurt me as much as this person. The struggle to forgive and move on is still one that I am fighting; moving on being much easier than forgiving.
Whether planning a future event, planning a date with someone new, or planning life in general, I usually start out in a very organized way. Though not happening often, when plans change, I’m usually okay with it. I am dependable and reliable to get a job done, in an organized way, but I’m not a slave to the plan. If it’s too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage, then I might go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday may find me back in the garage, but for now the plan isn’t the most important thing. LIFE is the important thing. I have an interesting combination of qualities (maybe it’s because of my Gemini sign); organized yet casual, solid yet compliant, dependable yet informal, flexible yet focused. At home and at work, people can depend on me and many people tell me they think of me as disciplined and responsible, but I do have somewhat of a free spirit within me, and if this spirit moves me, then off I go! I am very proud of my work ethic and accomplishments, but I also enjoy being able to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.
If you are Marine-like in your life approach, a neat freak, duty-bound and driven, then to you I might seem uncommitted; I prefer to see it as letting life’s circumstances sway me to move in a direction that some might not understand or be comfortable with. I will flirt with impulses and may give in on a Saturday, for instance, but I’m not someone who will blow off an entire work week to “follow my bliss.” I am very proud of my accomplishments in my work and I always get the job done, but I’ve also had the joy of letting my hair blow back as I ran with the wind. I feel lucky that somehow I am able to enjoy the best of both worlds. I like to say to anyone who’s coming over to the house to visit, “it’s clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy!” I know when to buckle down to get the job done, but I also know when to grab a kite and head for a meadow!
Some days I want to be by myself, not answer the phone, and make the world go away. The next day I will email everyone, schedule lunch with a friend, or try to find an evening gathering to take part in. It may be the phases of the moon (that darn Gemini trait), or something I ate. Some days I’m comfortable alone, and some days I can’t stand it that the house is empty or the phone doesn’t ring. I’m generally a very private person. I would much rather have a number of good friends that I enjoy spending time with, but find that I tend to not be terribly out-going so meeting people is difficult. Once I get to know someone, I will open up and share. I guess you could say prefer “quality” over “quantity”. When it comes to my social life, I am more comfortable with deeper, well nurtured friendships than having an “A-lister’s” social calendar.
I don’t like the spotlight; that really isn’t my style. This isn’t to say that I don’t like being around people, or that I’m not good in social situations. In fact, I need the companionships of people; I just prefer quiet conversations with a friend or a small group than a new party to go to every weekend. My social encounters balance out that side of me that likes to be alone where I can think and reflect. I feel that my life has a better rhythm when I have just the right amount of quiet time to deliberate on my own so that I feel refreshed for my next encounter with friends and colleagues.
My private nature sometimes comes across as arrogance to some, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I’m like my father in that respect I guess, as he was always quiet (or just couldn’t get in a word around my mother?). I once had a friend tell me, “I don’t think your father likes me.” Of course that wasn’t the case at all, he was just to shy to say anything or afraid to say the wrong thing. Because I am like that as well, some people think I am holding back, or I don’t get invited out because they think I can’t keep up my end of the social banter or am unwilling to share. Others might guess, correctly, that there’s more to me than meets the eye and that there’s a wealth in me to tap into. Once people open up to me, and I them, they realize that I am someone who values depth and substance over flash and casualness. “An ounce of pretentiousness is worth a pound of manure,” unfortunately describes a lot of the people one tends to meet out and about. I know that is a stereo-type that doesn’t describe most, but where do you hang out? I want to meet you! Once you get to know me, you’ll realize that when I do choose to contribute it’s because I speak from a deep well of contemplation and reflection, and that sometimes I would just rather sit and listen than open up. I can be a very good friend!
Well, you’ve read this far, why don’t we start out being friends? Now that you know a little bit about me, why not say hello and tell me about yourself?
Randy
Saturday, July 30, 2011
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